Subtle Acts of Empathy

'Empathy' is one of those words that you hear a lot in today's day and age. It's a big word, empathy — not in size, but in stature. Put simply, empathy is the capability to feel WITH your fellow human. Not just to know what they're feeling but to understand it so intimately that the sensation of that feeling comes to you. Pain, joy, sorrow, despair, anger, boredom, overstimulation, etc. None of it unique, but all of it very visceral and relatable.

Empathy is quite often thought of on a large scale, such as when a large community goes through a tragedy. The Los Angeles fires of early this year come to mind. Fundraisers, heart-wrenching news stories of the individuals who lost both material possessions and loved ones, devastating visuals of the aftermath — catastrophes of this magnitude breed empathy. As they should.

It is easy to think of others in these times when disaster is staring us in the face. But I think there are other, more common displays of care for fellow humans that frequently go unnoticed. These actions can tell you a lot about someone and their willingness to think of others when the consequences of not doing so aren't right in front of them -- or if those consequences don't exist at all.

My girlfriend and I took a trip to Target earlier today just to pass the time -- I know, very Midwestern. A couple of things that happened to me there got me thinking about these subtle acts of empathy and their importance. The first spawned from a trip to the bathroom, of all places.

A few steps in front of me in the hallway leading to the restroom was another man, headed to the same location I was. He was far enough ahead of me that he could have turned the corner, entered the bathroom, and let the door fully shut behind him before I could even enter. I expected him to do just that, honestly. But to my surprise, when I turned to enter, a door held open.

"Thank you," I said.

"No problem," he responded.

We both went about our business without another word after that, as bathroom patrons usually do. Not exactly the most social place in the world. But that small act of kindness stuck in my mind for some reason. I wasn't sure why, initially. I've had plenty of doors opened for me, and I will have many more. There was nothing inherently special about this time, this person, and certainly not the Target bathroom. So what was it that made this moment more than a simple courtesy?

As I thought over it, I came to the point that I mentioned earlier — consequences for being unempathetic, or the lack thereof. No one was going to arrest this man if he let the door close in my face. There's no 'jerk alarm' that would go off on his phone if he didn't show me this admittedly small act of kindness. I'm a non-confrontational person, so I certainly wouldn't have said anything to him even if I did feel slighted. But that's just it — there didn't have to be consequences for him to do it. He just did it.

I know this seems blown out of proportion. It's just holding a door open. Sure, it's nice, but what's the big deal?

Well, I suppose that's true. But there was something deeper there in that moment. That man who held that door open for me has had a door shut in his face. He's seen the person that let that door shut in his face feel no remorse or not even have the realization that they had done so. Hell, maybe he has even confronted that person and been met with contempt. I believe that even if just for a small, fleeting moment, those experiences were in his head before he stood in the doorway for me.

Subtle, possibly even subconscious empathy -- such as holding a door -- is simple. However, it’s not always as easy as it should be, nor is it always appreciated. We're all caught up in the happenings of our own lives, our own sadness & joy, our own egos, our own convenience — and those of our loved ones. We live in a society that encourages competition and isolationism. You can see the effects of this worldview all the way down to something as small and inconsequential as failing to hold a door for a stranger. Now, I'm not telling you to make judgments on someone else's character based on their willingness to open a door for you, but I'm also not telling you NOT to.

I'm also definitely NOT telling you to think of someone differently for not returning their cart to the cart corral at a place like Target. That certainly isn't a huge pain in the ass, both for people trying to park and the poor sucker that has to walk a quarter-mile to fetch your red basket from the back of the parking lot and bring it back inside. And I am assuredly NOT throwing shade at a random stranger I saw do just that after my girlfriend and I were finished looking around.

Joking aside, I think our nation is in a bad way right now, in large part because of a general inability to be empathetic when it is not personally beneficial to do so. The problems that each American and the United States face are certainly a lot bigger than an open door or a stray shopping cart, but I think a commitment to subtle acts of empathy could be one of the first steps towards healing the divide that threatens to sink our country as we know it.

So, hold the door open for that stranger. Smile. Say 'thank you', and 'you're welcome'. It may seem small and unimportant to you, but you never know who has had a door shut in their face recently.